The Swan Princess: Princess Tomorrow, Pirate Today

*Sighs* Yes, despite that monstrosity of a sequel called A Royal Family Tale, this franchise has somehow managed to spawn a sixth movie! There isn't any behind the scenes facts or whatever that I could find other than having Alise's voice actress be changed. So can this movie be as beautiful as a princess, or will it be as bad as being pillaged by a pirate? Let's take a look!

Story: Well, now we're at that point in this over franchise where the writers have clearly run out of ideas. Now they're taking the Pirates of the Caribbean route (because EVERYTHING is better with pirates, right?!) as Alise wants to be a 'modern princess' rather than being taught the proper ways by her grandmother & goes on an adventure with Rogers to a remote island after having enough of Uberta's obsessively overbearing 'princess bootcamp'. And yes, the basic structure rips off plot elements from Brave, except nowhere near as interesting or character driven. Not once does this movie dive into the emotions or motivations behind the characters' actions, leaving me completely uninvested because of how pathetic they are. And speaking of pathetic, the modern references are even worse in this because they are just so desperately trying to make it cool & hip with the latest trends for the kids when all it does is make this movie horrendously dated. But do you want to know the strangest thing (on top of this movie existing)? NOTHING important happens at all & it's done in such a boring & convoluted way. One moment will focus on Alise & Lucas, then another with Rogers & the de facto villains in some Masterchef rip-off subplot (yes, really) for no real reason & the animal sidekicks including the scullions from the last movie searching for Alise under Uberta's orders! Seriously, it takes about a quarter into this 75 minute movie for Alise to actually go on her 'adventure' & even at that, it feels like there's no actual plot! It's just a series of scenes that have nothing to do with each other nor have any actual impact in the overall franchise. And despite having the 'Swan Princess' as the main title, Odette herself barely appears let alone contributes anything of importance other than going on a royal expedition with her husband to set up the main plot. I guess it's not always bad to focus on a side character in a franchise, but there has to be more substance to them & Alise simply can't carry out her own movie (which says a lot given that she barely has screen time). This is the epitome of a soulless cashgrabber and while the other CGI movies were so atrocious, they legitimately made me angry, I just couldn't give a flying fuck over what was going on.

Animation: Yet again, the transition to computer animation doesn't do any favors for the Swan Princess franchise! With the same creepy character designs with uncanny valley dead eyes, it's arguably worse this time round because Alise is such an unappealing character to look at because of the very poorly rendered textures on the skin & hair (seriously, the animals look like they're made of rubber), the facial expressions looking creepily caricatured with no signs of subtlety and the very poor lip synching. The character animation is also incredibly choppy & the interaction between characters and objects feels non existent, including the occasional clippings to cut costs and very clunky over the top movements. Even interaction between paint on her face in one scene is very poor because it looks like it was stuck on her character model already instead of having the look or feel of it. Although I have seen much worse rendering on the elements like water and sand, all of that is negated by the fact that none of the surroundings are interesting to look at. All it really is is the castle, generic waters and the most generic tropical island I have ever seen. And speaking of, the monsters who inhabit the island are all designed so generically and the modern technology/references are so out of place within the Swan Princess universe, from reality TV style editing and Uberta wearing modern yoga gear! In fact, the overall quality felt like something out of a PS2 game! And given that this was released this year, to call the animation poor is an understatement!

Characters: Unlike the other Swan Princess movies, this decided to focus on Alise rather than Odette & Derek, & I have to say that it's a change for the worst. I do appreciate the movie TRYING to give Alise more of a personality compared to the last movie where that was non-existent, but it doesn't change how...boring she is. And how cliched her wishes are to be a 'modern' princess (uh...what exactly qualifies as modern when it's set in at least the 1800s?) when she actually does nothing of importance to the story. Queen Uberta's characterization is all over the place now being so forceful in her princess bootcamp (in other words, finishing school) up to the point that she puts Alise under house arrest. Yes, she may have been...pushy in the other movies, but not to this extent! As for Lucas, he's not an interesting character at all because he's just too stubborn with his backstory of his parents supposedly not loving him without hearing the reasons behind why they wanted (or rather were forced to) take him away. The relationship between them feels really forced and the strange use of 'sign language' didn't make them charming or funny. Rogers' interest in piracy comes out of nowhere nor does it make him interesting, even if he's the closest to how he was in the original. Jean Bob, Speed & Puffin are one dimensional cardboard cutouts of themselves with barely any contribution to the 'plot' other than the former being worshipped as a God by the Boggs which goes absolutely nowhere. This is on top of the scullions (who yet again confuse the hell out of me) returning and the ghost of Scully popping in when the plot demands him to with no indication or set-up as to how it works. As for the villains, the Boggs...they have no purpose in this movie at all. On top of their existence being as (if not more) mind boggling as the scullions, they're so brainless & incompetent that you'd think that they were made for a knock-off Mario game. They're not threatening & don't even have a motive for any of their 'actions!' other than being 'comic relief' while not being funny! Oh yeah, and Odette & Derek barely appear other than finding some bullshit excuse to get out of Alise's hair for the 'plot' to get going. If you were expecting to see them actually be parents towards Alise, you'll sadly not get it in this at all unless you stick by til the end when your interest in this movie was long dead! To call the characters in this stupid, annoying and pointless is too kind to this movie. In fact, I don't think there's any characters that anyone can like!

Songs: Like the other sequels, the songs in this are way too out of place for the kind of movie it's trying to be. To be frank, I don't even remember them & I actually had to rewatch this so I could form a proper opinion on them individually! We Want Meat is the Bogg's first song which is grating because it's a rap number which turns into a running gag throughout the movie. Pirate Today is just generic because it's just about the title of the movie without explaining Alise's motivations for wanting to be a pirate with a melody which rips off the Pirates of the Caribbean score. Green Thing is yet another obnoxious song which the Boggs chant to Jean Bob when they decide to worship him for no real reason. Standing on My Own is Lucas' generic 'sad song'/ 'I am' 90's pop ballad which is pretty much about him moping over his family as the poor man's I Stand Alone from Quest for Camelot. I can't really consider this a musical, but every song in this is either bland, forgettable, generic or the worst, pathetic.

You know a TV show you love but then comes a filler episode which has nothing to do with anything in the grand scale of things? That's pretty much this movie in a nutshell. The writers didn't even try with the plot, the animation is utter garbage, the characters while the new ones are pointless and the songs are so pathetically put together. This movie is actually beyond incompetent. This is as if a group of 5 year olds decided to come up with a story in class. Actually, even they can come up with better than this heartless crap because at least they have something called creativity! I don't know what else to say other than don't bother with this movie and stick with the first movie because this has absolutely no purpose to exist, even more than the last two movies. And with the announcement of a seventh film being released next year, I think it's safe to say that this is slowly becoming the direct to DVD equivalent to the Ice Age franchise...let's just pray that this doesn't end up like the Land Before Time series!
Story: 😡
Animation: 😡
Characters: 😡
Songs: 😡
Overall: 😡