Charming

It's safe to say this movie has been under my radar ever since its announcement (and Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarves which seems to have disappeared after its horrendous fat shaming Cannes Film Festival campaign back in 2017). With tons of delays and lack of promotional material, it honestly got to the point whether it would actually be released despite the celebrity names attached to it. Well, thanks to the good old Internet, I managed to finally watch it. With no behind the scenes information I could find, did Vanguard Animation learn their mistakes with Happily N'Ever After (we meet again, enemy of mine...) or is it yet another Shrek rip-off that's a waste of time and money? Let's take a look.

Story: I don't need call anything a spoiler because you've probably figured out what happens just from looking at the poster. While the concept of a generic Prince Charming being romantically entangled with different fairytale princesses sounds interesting, it quickly gets thrown out the window by taking the Happily N'Ever After route of the generic hetero (except Lenore disguises herself as a man which Phillipe is completely oblivious to despite her feminine voice and non-concealed breasts) buddy road trip quest where they hate each other before liking each other despite having nothing in common and society deeming them an unfit match. And of course there's a misunderstanding/betrayal before the third act which results in one of the most anticlimactic battles ever with slow execution and no build up, stakes or emotional weight. As for the fairytale satire, it's just random cutaways to Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty failing to give them personalities or justifications for Phillipe proposing to all three of them and spitefully making fun of their fairytale's messed up origins while indulging in the True Love's Kiss breaks the spell route (seems somebody forgot that Disney has been exploring other types of love in their recent films...). What's just as insulting is that the humour is never funny to the point it's anti-comedy (I could rant for hours how wrong it is to make jokes including a male-on-male no homo kiss when Phillipe attempts suicide via hanging to save everyone from his curse despite no indications that would fix it) with some of the most bizarre dialogue that disregards the show don't tell rule since Rock-a-Doodle's narration! Also, the pacing is so slow that it feels like it's taking forever, not helping with the awful execution and intrusive musical numbers (which I'll get to in a moment). Oh yeah, and the world itself and rules of magic are so inconsistent that it made me wonder if anybody actually took a moment to read through the script. This story is so boring, so cliched and paint by numbers that literally the only twists are Lenore proposing marriage (yeah, because that felt warranted after three days of lies and zero chemistry) and her pregnancy one year later.

Animation: Just like Happily N'Ever After, the animation is cheap by today's high standards, but it's marginally better than said movie. While the character designs would look appealing in a hand drawn environment, the transition into CGI leaves them looking rigid and bland, similar to the Swan Princess sequels (including the creepiest CGI baby model since Renesmee from Twilight). And just like Swan Princess, the extras have the same character models with different hairstyles and colours with somehow more dead eyes than Phillipe's and under-defined skin which looks like rubber. Speaking of textures, they're a mix. Some of it is surprisingly good like the Oracle scene and the hair and magic, but the rest can look cheap (including recycling footage and awful lip syncing). The restrained character animation is mostly responsible for the aforementioned slow paced and uninteresting fight scenes along with the bizarre framing and editing choices (seriously, at points they pause the movie to shoehorn Phillipe's idiotic thoughts that make you want to grab him by the shoulders and tell him to get a grip). In fact, this whole movie's look is uninteresting. All you see is just a prince. Just a castle. Just a forest. Just an "ooh scary" villain. Nothing makes it stand out compared to other movies it's trying to emulate and it made me wonder if they just stuck with the first concept art designs in production. Given that this was released in the same year as Incredibles 2, Ralph Breaks the Internet and Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse, is it any surprise when I say how terrible this looks in comparison?

Why would her mugshot have a Dreamworks face...?

Characters: Of course every character in this is a cardboard cutout! Lenore/Lenny (Demi Lovato) is your tough badass girl who "don't need no man" and is somehow immune to Phillipe's curse (it's never explained), who would be a good role model if it weren't for her generic motivations, dull backstory and odd times talking both to herself and her silent Angry Bird sidekick. And I hate to say this, but just because an animated heroine has an average built figure, it doesn't immediately make her interesting. Prince Phillipe Charming (Wilmer Valderamma) is the Don Juan archetype cursed to make every woman fall in love with him who is as much the superficial doofus as you'd expect with his development coming out of nowhere and not making sense. Oh yeah, and his Latino heritage also adds nothing to his character. Snow White (Avril Lavigne), Cinderella (Ashley Tisdale) and Sleeping Beauty (G.E.M) are all portrayed as spoilt brats with one defining trait based on their fairytales because someone's still bitter over Disney being a juggernaut. Even Shrek The Third's satire on Disney princesses was better because they were at least voiced by funny SNL comediennes and eventually became badasses. I guess you could argue the choice to cast three former pop princesses as the three oldest Disney princesses would be an interesting contrast to the new Lenore being voiced by a current pop star, but the movie never explores that possibility and the princesses are pretty easily forgotten. Nemeny Neverwish (Nia Vardalos) is every villain cliche who wants revenge and to destroy love (just romantic despite love being more complex in reality) who doesn't feel like a threat because her end goals are never explained and she pops up whenever the plot stops. She's honestly so bad that she makes Dellamorta from The Seventh Dwarf look like a three dimensional villain. The Fairy Godmother (John Cleese who never refuses a voice acting gig nowadays) just exists to rip off Shrek's ugly stepsister drag joke which fails to realize why that was funny and is instantly forgettable. The Half Oracle (Sia) only exists to shove the love message in Lenore's (and our) faces who is forgotten about after her appearance except for a throwaway line at the end. In fact, the only character worth liking is Phillipe's father (Jim Cummings) as he's the only person making sense and caring about the curse and his son, and even then he spouts clumsy exposition. And yet again, the voice acting is pretty bad in that it felt like the actors all recorded their lines in one take and were looking for an easy paycheck (I'll admit Sia was better than I expected despite her hamming it up most of the time). In a time where proactive female and racially diverse characters are becoming more mainstream, this feels like a misguided step backwards.

Songs: I don't know whether it's a lie to call this a musical like the promotional material claimed, because there are only 3 songs in this 80 minute film. Written by Sia and Fall Out Boy lead Patrick Stump, the songs are fine by themselves in a sense that they're made to be listened to on radio. The problem isn't just that they're modernized and date the movie, but also they serve no function and come out of nowhere. Trophy Boy establishes the premise with the princesses wanting to marry Phillipe, with an insanely catchy hook which got stuck in my head for days the first time I watched it. I guess you could say it's trying to be funny with each princess going on about liking Phillipe just for his looks, but it gets repetitive after a while and doesn't add to their characters.  Baladino is Sia's big number with probably the best and trippiest visuals the movie has to offer, shoving the message about love in our faces. Magical is easily a contender for the "pop love ballad begging for an Oscar nomination" with the generic inspiring lyrics and reusing clips on par with an amateur AMV, despite showing off Demi Lovato's beautiful and powerful pipes which work well with Wilmer Valderama (and makes the circumstances of their relationship sadder.) and is honestly a song that deserves much better than the trite script and animation. the pop songs in the background feel like the kind that want to be breakaway hits like the Shrek films, but they're too bland and forgettable to make an impact and don't fit with the original songs.

This movie was everything I was expecting: an outdated Shrek rip-off with celebrities wasted, bad humour, annoying characters, bad animation and musical numbers that feel like an afterthought. But is it worse than Happily N'Ever After? Well...no and yes. No because I could quickly forget about it, it's that paint by numbers, but yes because it makes me angrier seeing amazing talent wasted in the laziest script. Seriously, just skip this and watch the other movies it's attempting to cash in on. They may be dated by today's standards in animation, but at least their efforts show and at the end of the day are sincere in their messages.
Story: 2/10
Animation: 2/10
Characters: 2/10
Songs: 5/10
Overall: 2/10