In Search of the Titanic (AKA Tentacolino)

*Sighs* There's only one movie left...there's only one movie left....there's only one movie left of this piece of shit trilogy that never should have fucking existed! Released in 2004, this was somehow greenlit after the The Legend of the Titanic made enogh money in Italy to warrant such a miraculous feat. Let that sink. Often regarded as the worst of the trilogy, this movie has slowly been emerging on the internet thanks to popular internet reviewers sinking their teeth into it. So now that it's my turn to take it on...why is this movie considered the worst out of the bunch despite The Legend of the Titanic somehow making it that nobody died?! Well, let's take a look!

Story: Well, given the title of the movie in either language, you'd expect that it'd be about the group searching for the Titanic & somehow coming across Tentacles! Oh no. Oh n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no! You'd be proven VERY wrong indeed because this movie is miraculously even more batshit crazy than you could possibly imagine! How you may ask? Well, what if I told you that instead of Don Juan & Elizabeth, Ronnie & Connors actually searching for the Titanic like they were supposed to at the beginning, they end up in the lost underwater city of Atlantis with the Island of Misfit Toys where they're trapped forever after taking the elixir of life & have to take on the group of evil sharks from the first movie along with an evil group of Secret of NIMH-esque mice?! Yeah, that & they are given the Titanic all refurbished with Atlantean technology on their own tropical island where there'll be trapped forever despite doing absolutely nothing of importance for the plot & the group seems to be peachy keen over being taken hostage by the King & Queen of Atlantis. Yeah...if you thought the writers were on drugs while coming up with the plot of this movie, you wouldn't be the only one because that probably explains why my brain couldn't function at the insanity I sat through! Believe me when I say that the continuity, structure & tone are all over the place because they never truly acknowledge what happened in the last movie, plots go absolutely nowhere (including one involving a doll being 'cursed' with a wig which he easily takes off 2 minutes later & never comes back) & it just has no sense of cohesion whatsoever! And what's the worst thing of all of this? Well, despite taking place 3 years later, the sinking of the Titanic is considered 'mythical' completely glossing over the hundreds of people who tragically lost their lives! In other words...this movie claims it never happened! Seriously, I know that the summary alone is enough to give you brain cancer, but when you actually see it, it will make your brain explode at how insane it is! It's one of the worst movies I've ever forced myself to sit through period & the insanity that's called the plot is only a part of it!

Animation: Like before, the animation isn't utterly terrible in terms of technicality. While the animation is a bit better in terms of quality, some of the character designs look slightly different & the character animation isn't as inconsistent in terms of pace.And those are the only positives I can say. So, what is wrong with the animation this time round?! Well...the best way to describe it is utterly insane! Believe me when I say that the imagery is downright bizarre in the worst way possible! How? Well, some f the visuals in this include cowgirl nurses, giant toys that come to life having a rave, racially insensitive mice, a big battle of mice & sharks vs mermen/mermaids along with a giant talking octopus & a dog shooting a lazer gun, jellyfish telegrams & a gay jack-in-the-box fish that loves to dress up! To say 'what the fuck' to that laundry list is easily an understatement for this mess of a movie! While the world of Atlantis may look something more at home in somewhere like Futurama , it doesn't mean that it's interesting to look at because it's pretty much glossed over in favour of the characters & plot being mentally challenged. Oh yeah, and to add insult to injury, the Titanic now has Atlantean technology. I believe you will have just felt the 1500 people that died rolling in their underwater graves. So, despite being OK technically...yeah, it's safe to say that the animation is just wrong on every level to watch!

Characters: Yet again, each character in  his can either be considered one dimensional cardboard cutouts or 'comic reliefs' while not being funny in the slightest. Except this time round they're 1000 times worse! Elizabeth & Don Juan are just bland who contribute nothing & for some reason are just fine being taken prisoner forever by the Atlanteans & not being able to see their family or friends ever again! Ronnie & Top Connors are just annoying comic relief (with obviously different voice actors) who go undercover to discover the evil mice's plan to take over the world with the elixir of life. The octopus, now named Otty instead of Tentacles, is creepy yet again & ironically barely appears despite the Italian title of this movie & the dog, Smiles (voiced by Gregory Snegoff. Yes, he's been in every single animated Titanic movie) plays a bigger role just by talking with the humans & has pretty questionable priorities given that his first instincts while being stuck in Atlantis is looking for some action with the bitches. The King & Queen of Atlantis are both equally as one dimensional because they never properly dive into their backstory over how they ended up in Atlantis & could be considered more evil than the real villains given that they're the ones to take the group hostage. Heck, even the King's face is hidden akin to Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget (without a big reveal of who he really is). Pingo, the gay jack-in-the-box fish (an utterance I'd never find myself writing) is easily the most irritating character out of all of them! Not only is his stereotype beyond insulting, but how insensitively he handles the situation of Don Juan & Elizabeth being stuck in Atlantis forever just grated on my nerves! Every single time he was on screen was just mind numbingly irritating & I just wanted to shoot him with Smiles' lazer gun over & over again. And as for the villain rats...yeah, they're not threatening because their plan to take over the world with the elixir of life (yes, really) has numerous plot holes & unanswered questions that are never once acknowledged! Oh yeah, and the sharks are also back with the leader Razorteeth's only motivation for stopping Don Juan & Elizabeth this time round being that the bathysphere (which shouldn't even have existed in 1915) they were inside was yellow (yes, really), a colour that he hates despite his stomach being that colour! Oh yeah, and Maltravers is briefly back (now named Baron Van derTilt for some reason) searching for the lost treasures of the Titanic which goes absolutely nowhere! I think it's safe to say that the characters are the tip of the iceberg (no pun intended) for how...distasteful the writing is!

Songs: I guess this movie was jealous of Legend Goes On because unlike the first movie, this has a couple of superfluous & shoehorned musical numbers! The first one is the captain shark doing a rap number that, again, comes out of nowhere & is just laughably terrible to watch. But without a doubt, the worst song in this is the one that Pingo sings when he introduces Don Juan & Elizabeth to Atlantis! Why? Well, it somehow transitions from being a showtune to rave music & the visuals contain the toys dancing about for no discernible reason in the scariest mindfuck I have ever seen! Anyway, a distorted reprise of one of the songs from the first movie is played at the end when everyone has a dance party to celebrate their victory over the evil mice. Oh yeah, and a blatant rip-off of My Heart Will Go On plays just before the end credits while there's a romance montage of Don Juan & Elizabeth forever trapped on an island possibly left to become feral a'la Lord of the Flies when their resources run out after eating the dogs & mice! To call the musical numbers ear bleedingly bad is a massive understatement with this piece of crap!

If you thought Legend of the Titanic was the most insulting thing to come out of animated Titanic trilogy, then you haven't seen this abomination! The plot is pretty much brain bleach, the visuals are downright scary, the characters are somehow even more irritating & the songs have absolutely no purpose! If you want to watch a film that's equally as insane as it is atrocious, then this is most definitely the one for you! Now that I'm FINALLY done with the Unholy Trinity never to be returned to again, I can leave them to rest & hopefully fade into obscurity. And given that Italy considers these movies a disgrace to their country & cinema, I think it's safe to say that they've finally learnt their lesson on how not to make movies based on the 1912 disaster/James Cameron movie!
Story: 0/10
Animation: 4/10
Characters: 0/10
Songs: 0/10

Titanic: The Legend Goes On

I know I reviewed the first animated Titanic movie a couple of years ago, but while sorting out my Disney knock-off reviews, I decided to finish the trilogy off so I can finally get these evil abominations out of my brain & bring back the cells I lost watching them. I am fully aware that there are two versions of this movie, so for this review, I'm going to be looking at both of them! The changes made relatively minor in the grand scale of it all as it doesn't really change my overall opinion on this monstrosity of a film! So...can the legend of this movie be washed away by the sands of time never to enter this realm ever again? Well, the answer is already yes, so we best get on with reviewing this trash!

Story: Right from the get-go, the best way to describe this movie is confusing & insane. And by that I mean that it's a copy of the James Cameron film in reverse filled with Disney rip-offs, talking animals & a happy ending without any acknowledgement of the hundreds people that died in the tragic disaster! And if you think that's bad enough, good luck trying to follow all the 'comedic' subplots aboard the ship with most of them having no pay-off & being insultingly stupid filler! Not only isn't there any proper set-up for ANY of the scenes or characters, but the way it's executed has absolutely no cohesion & it just goes along with whatever it wants to do before the iceberg hits the ship. And speaking of the 'romance', it's just creepy as hell with absolutely no pacing, chemistry or even that much interaction! At least in James Cameron's version, they actually got to know each other for the few days before the ship sank & had such strong emotions behind them while in this, it's only a few hours tops & they hardly dive into it! It doesn't really help that the pacing is so off because some scenes just happen quickly while others drag on for no reason (especially during the actual sinking & afterwards since there's no sense of danger or peril & they use some of the most inappropriate comedy I have ever seen). Oh yeah, and the dialogue in the uncut version is utter trite because the characters either say a load of gibberish which makes absolutely no sense at all, or repeating lines of dialogue whenever they run out of things to say. It may be a bit better in the cut version since most scenes are, well, cut out, along with scenes having a bit more flow in transitioning, but it really doesn't stop the numerous ridiculous subplots that plague the screen & how incompetently everything is executed. While it may not be as insulting by having everybody being alive thanks to a giant talking octopus, this movie is still spawn of the Italian devil himself & I felt disgusted while watching this!

To say that this was my face while watching the movie is a massive understatement!

Animation: No matter which version of this you watch, the animation is exactly the same. And by that I mean it's absolutely atrocious! Not only is the quality below Saturday morning cartoon standards, but the numerous errors are so obvious that it's borderline insane how little effort was put into this crap. Filled with recycled/replayed clips (including a complete replay of a mouse trying to steal food from a chef as a' 'flashback' for absolutely no reason), poor lip synching (I know it's an Italian film with an English dub, but it still stands) & many glitches, it's so lazily cobbled together & distracting that it actually made me angry! The character designs are all very inconsistent in appearance & very basic, not fitting the tone of the movie at all (as if they already didn't care about it) & it doesn't really help how it ranges from rough to rubbery. The character animation is also very off because of the inconsistent physics & the interaction of different characters in the background feels virtually non-existent up to the point that it doesn't feel like they're sharing the same space.And the sinking itself is incredibly poor in the execution of the choreography And speaking of the backgrounds, despite being set on the freaking Titanic, not once do they put any effort into making it look grand & almost otherworldly with how beautiful it was. Nope! It just looks like a generic ship without anything interesting that makes it stand out! Without a doubt this is some of the worst 2D animation I've ever seen, and as if the plot wasn't enough for you, this alone should show you how incompetent this film is!

Characters: If the story wasn't ridiculous enough for you, then the characters are more like the diarrhea to this piece of shit of a film! Angelica is just a poor Rose/Mary Sue type character searching for her missing mother & is abused by her foster mother while falling in love with William on the Titanic. And speaking of, William, the rich & British Jack rip-off is about as bland as a rice cake & is just creepy as hell while pursuing Angelica despite knowing absolutely nothing about her! Seriously, why were we 'rooting' for him again?! His nanny that lost a daughter years ago (gee, I wonder who she could be. I'm so invested in this mystery plot. It could be anybody. Heck, even the girl looking for her missing mother who happens to be on the same ship) may be the 'most interesting' character, but we never dive into how losing her daughter affected her, therefore making her more like a one dimensional plot device. As for the rest of the characters...they have no purpose. Literally none. They & their subplots easily could have been written out & nothing would have changed. They're all either Disney or Don Bluth rip-offs or comic reliefs while not being funny whatsoever! And what makes them worse is that there are talking animal characters including mice (obviously due to jealousy from another Italian animated Titanic movie), dalmatians (one of whom is a dick to his pregnant wife) and of course, Fritz the rapping dog (voiced by Gregory Snegoff who voiced Maltravers in the other animated Titanic movie), some of which are racially insensitive or entirely pointless. Add in awful voice acting to top it all off, I just wanted all of these characters to sink with the ship because of how irritating, incompetent & cliched they all were!

Songs: The biggest difference between the two versions of this movie is that the soundtracks are different. And guess what? They both suck! The most prominent one is obviously the rapping dog's out of place song. The more infamous one in the cut version, Party Time, has absolutely no purpose, comes so the fuck out of nowhere, is so out of place & is never acknowledged afterwards. In other words...Big Lipped Alligator Moment! And the same can be said with the original song which I could hardly make out because the rapper sounded like he was mumbling throughout! There's also a different main theme for both versions (unfortunately sung by the multi-talented Liz Callaway), with Holding Me in the cut version pretty much being a crap rip-off of My Heart Will Go On & the other one is just generic & uninteresting. I doesn't help that for some reason the uncut version is played in reverse at the very beginning for no reason! The fake Mariachi song sung by the Mexican mice is also very racist & uninteresting in the cut version & while they use an actual Mariachi song in the uncut version, it's just used for cheap juxtaposition of them happily singing about the day never being forgotten in the ship approaches the iceberg. Neither soundtracks are interesting or fun & they were just the nail in the coffin for this piece of shit of a film that should be left to oblivion!

Titanic: The Legend Goes On is much more incompetent compared to the last one in terms of animation & execution, but both are equally as disgusting in writing, characterization & depicting the tragedy. I like many others cannot understand why Italy wanted to cash in on James Cameron's film by making it into kids films & littering it with Disney cliches & adding in a hugely inappropriate happy ending without considering the relatives of the people that died or those who survived such a life altering event! And given that there's one more movie to go...pray for me, guys. Pray for me.
Story: 0/10
Animation: 1/10
Characters: 0/10
Songs: 1/10
Overall: 0.5/10

TinkerBell and the Lost Treasure

I know that I was going to review all the Tinker Bell movies together, but obviously, I put it on hold and now I want to finish it...even if I only reviewed the first movie! Given how popular the Disney Fairies franchise is and the fact the world of Pixie Hollow (in itself a part of Neverland) has a number of other places to explore along with the mythology, it's no surprise that there would be sequel released. With Mae Whitman reprising her role as Tinker Bell, can this follow-up manage to be as beautiful as finding a full chest of treasure, or is it as bad as losing the treasure in the first place? Let's take a look!

Story: The story itself isn't really anything we haven't seen before. It's your generic quest plot as Tinker Bell wants to fix her mistake of breaking the scepter she was assigned to make by creating a new one through a scavenger hunt around Neverland to make a wish on a magic mirror so blue Pixie Dust can be created during the blue harvest (which occurs every 8 years) to strengthen the Pixie Dust tree. And like other quest plots, it also results in the cliches of Tink being horrible to Terrence, a cute animal sidekick, conflict ensuing which easily could have been avoided if Tink wasn't such a horrible person. However, I will say that the morals surrounding Tink's behavior are well done as she's rightfully called out by pretty much everyone & actually learns from her mistake. And unlike most quest plots, there isn't much romance between Tink & Terrence as they treat each other more as friends & it's left more ambiguously with the nature of their relationship. I did find this refreshing as it shows not every X chromosome and Y chromosome=love after a big adventure (something which can still bother me in films if it's done wrong). And I will say that it is interesting to see more of Neverland instead of just being stuck in Pixie Hollow or seeing the Mainland again & seeing more of the mythology of the world is admittedly interesting (if not a bit complicated for the target audience). Although that doesn't really stop the deus ex machina over the moonstone in the ending which comes out of nowhere with no proper build up/establishment beforehand. Sure, it may be pretty unoriginal & predictable in terms of structure & plot, but the execution & morals surrounding it aren't that bad.

Animation: Like the last movie, the animation is what you'd expect from a direct to DVD movie. The character designs yet again go for more of a 2D look in a 3D world, and it definitely works on some characters, although on others who are drawn more over the top or childish i.e. the animals, don't really work for me personally. I will say however, that the movie does add more scale by having Tinker Bell travel around Neverland & it does look pretty nice to watch as seeing how big everything is compared to the fairies does add a bit more peril & excitement to the adventure. Even though the textures like on the hair, skin & plants on the costumes may not exactly be theatrical quality, the attention to detail they were able to do on the budget they had is still a pretty good effort. And speaking of, in a fun little fact, in over 50 years, this would actually be the first ever time we'd see Tink in a different outfit other than her famous little green dress! The effects are also pretty good on the magic & pixie dust in this & it can get pretty creative, especially at the end with the raining blue pixie dust. I will say that it is definitely a good effort, it's just that the quality is pretty evident of what it's supposed to be (even if it is dependent on budget).

Characters: When it comes to the characters, honestly, nothing has changed with them. Tinkerbell is essentially the same except she can be a bit more bratty and bossy when it comes to Terence and Blaze despite her good intentions to save Pixie Hollow and find the moonstone. She can come across as too headstrong & it may sound crazy, but I think it actually respects the character more than in the first movie! In the original Peter Pan film, she did have a fiery temper & had a tendency towards being jealous/ a bitch while still having a good heart when necessary thanks to her loyalty to Peter & the Lost Boys! But anyway, I do like that she learns from her mistakes & how the consequences affect everyone & will go out of her way to make it up to everyone at Pixie Hollow. And speaking of, Terence plays a much bigger role in this compared to the first movie and annoyed me trying to tag along with Tink despite only trying to help her in her adventure. And like mentioned before, may also be qualified as a 'love interest', but we never really see it come into play other than a few teases. Blaze is the cliched cute animal sidekick despite being a bug and also annoyed me with his antics. Oh yeah, and despite the trolls rightfully calling Tink out on her general bitchiness, they can just be qualified as the bumbling villains who only serve as a brief conflict in the plot who are never seen or mentioned again afterwards. The rest of Tink's friends like Rosetta, Iridessa, Silvermist, Fawn (not voiced by America Ferrera this time round), Clank & Bobble barely appear & are easily qualified by their talent or character traits. Queen Clarion & the Ministers of the Seasons are also pretty much their same selves with Clarion being the benevolent & motherly queen & the Ministers being more authoritative figures while still having funny moments. Yes, the characters may be cliched or not play as big of a role compared to the first film, but at least Tink's (cliched) development can sort of make up for it.

Honestly, out of all the Tinker Bell movies, I think this is the weakest one. Despite the interesting concepts surrounding the story along with the good moral & the animation looking good for what it is, the plot itself & some characters are still pretty cliched, & some parts admittedly got on my nerves. I supposefans of the Tinker Bell films & Disney Fairies franchise& target demographic will enjoy it, but I guess it's just not for me! It's not the worst thing to come out of DisneyToons, but the best I can describe it is...mediocre. And after all, I've still got 4 more movies to go for this series, so hopefully they'll gradually get better & better! Who knows!
Story: 4/10
Animation: 7/10
Characters: 5/10
Overall: 5/10

Tarzan & Jane

I know it's been over 3 years since I had supposedly reviewed every single direct to video Disney sequel & . But there was in fact two I had forgotten & one of them is the topic of today's discussion, Tarzan & Jane. And the most ironic part of all of this is my sister & I had owned the DVD (yes, I had grown up with during the time Disney sequels were out. Shoot me) & I had stumbled upon it while cleaning out under my bed. So now that , will Tarzan & Jane manage to show their romance is worth seeing again, or is this as bad as Tarzan 3D. Let's take a look!

Story: Like Belle's Magical World and Atlantis: Milo's Return, this would be the type of sequel with 3 episodes from a TV series cobbled up together into a 'sequel'. However, in a different case, the TV series did end up airing & was fairly popular, but it got canned & they still had some episodes which didn't air (although they did in later airings from what I remember) so they decided to show them as 'flashbacks'. The set-up is that it's Tarzan & Jane's first anniversary & Jane is anxious over what to do with/give her husband to celebrate it. Terk & Tantor come in to remind her of events in the past once she brings things up that she could do with him that didn't quite go to plan. I'll go into each one individually, but it is safe to say the flashbacks have absolutely no connection or segway other than 'Hey, remember when this happened?' or bringing up something because of the anniversary set up yet having absolutely nothing to do with either weddings or anniversaries (Heck, even Jane lampshades this in the segment with the diamond plot)!

The British Invasion
In this 'segment,' connected by Terk reminding Jane of what happened when her 3 friends, Eleanor, Greenly & Hazel, came to visit her after Jane suggests throwing a party for the anniversary. After they had arrived in the jungle to 'rescue her' & Jane informs them that Tarzan is actually her husband, she tries to convince them the jungle isn't that bad by having a picnic which goes horribly wrong after 2 panthers attack them. Meanwhile, Tarzan is worried that Jane is embarrassed by him when she tries to have him act more like a gentleman, only to be quickly resolved by the end when he saves the women & shows how much she appreciates her new life with him. As you can tell, this has nothing to do with the theme of parties & is hopelessly cliched with nothing that new to make it stand out. I guess I can give them credit that they show Tarzan & Jane acting more like a real married couple by having them argue over her being embarrassed by him, but given the subject of said argument & the setting, it just left me bored. In fact, that's what this entire segment left me as after watching it!

The Volcanic Diamond Mine
In the second segment, after Terk reminds Jane what happened when Tarzan tried to give her a diamond after she suggests some sort of jewelry as a gift. He tries to help two men, Johannes & Merkus, smuggle diamonds from a mine within a volcano (yes, really) after they make a deal for him to help them in exchange for a diamond for Jane. Johannes & Merkus agree & find hundreds of diamonds but it turns out they're obvious bad guys & leaves Tarzan. Jane & Professor Porter trapped in the volcano that's about to explode. Conflict ensues, yadda yadda yadda, the villains are defeated, the end! I guess this has a bit more of a connection as Tarzan's main goal was to give Jane a diamond, but even then it mostly focuses on him helping the guys get to the diamonds while being oblivious to them being obviously evil. And to add insult to injury, it gets utterly ridiculous how he manage to scrape out of the mess when the group are trapped within the volcano! As you can tell, it left me bored because of how predictable it was & honestly, pretty pointless.

The Flying Ace
Once Professor Porter comes in to suggest that Jane & Tarzan share a dance for their anniversary, this somehow segways into a flashback where Jane's childhood friend Robert comes back into her life, Tarzan gets jealous, it turns out Robert's really a double agent working for the Germans in WWI (he's there to retrieve a code machine disguised as a music box he gave to Jane during their youth. Yes, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever) & tries to kidnap Jane until Tarzan comes to save her in a superfluous plane fight sequence. Oh yeah, and there's a subplot with Professor Porter trying to work his two way radio & another RAF Pilot on the hunt for Robert! As you can tell, this is easily the weakest one out of all of them because not only is it even more cliched than the first flashback, but it has absolutely no connection whatsoever to the suggestion of Tarzan & Jane dancing for their anniversary other than them briefly dancing to the Blue Danube Waltz (which in itself has nothing to do with the main plot of this episode). On top of that, the whole flashback makes no sense whatsoever from Robert's plan with the code machine to Professor Porter's methods to make his radio work. Yet again, this just left me confused & bored with how convoluted it was.

And need I forget the big anniversary plot which ends with a typical dance party ending to a terrible song by Disney Pop Princess Mandy Moore (I don't blame her necessarily since she tries her best with it) which takes up the last 5 minutes of the movie? With all of these dull stories which have little to do with anything, it really is safe to say that this movie is as bad as the aforementioned Belle's Magical World & Atlantis: Milo's Return.

Animation: I think it's safe to say that the quality of animation in this is...lower compared to the movie. Not only do the characters look much more basic with their designs & very off model, but it feels very inconsistent with some designs looking much more cartoony than others (at least in the first movie, it was more balanced out). It doesn't really help the character animation is a massive downgrade because it's nowhere near as fluid or exciting whenever Tarzan would swing on vines or go tree surfing or creative on the gorrillas and Tantor! Along with that, unlike the first movie, the facial animation can go all over the place with the more subdued human characters having over the top expressions which look really out of place, similar to Beauty & the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas & Mulan II. Even the backgrounds don't really give off the grand scale of the African jungles & mostly look generic with the interactions with the characters being nowhere near as integrated as the first movie. Another factor that really affects the movie that there isn't really any lighting or shadows, leaving the characters looking completely flat & not giving the backgrounds a lot of dimension. That, and the textures don't look or feel like what they supposed to be & the sizes of the human characters & animals is nowhere near as accurate as in the first movie. While I guess the quality matches that with the TV series, so it isn't as inconsistent as others integrating canned episodes, it doesn't mean it's good at all. In fact, far from it in this case.

Characters: As expected, the characters in this are just one dimensional cutouts of their former selves. Tarzan is the ape man who loves Jane while learning more about civilization except his 'arcs' are not interesting to know about & Jane on the other hand is nowhere near as interesting & is just reduced to being the typical damsel in distress that the character is normally associated. I don't know whether part of it is Minnie Driver not returning to voice her, but she just doesn't carry the same eccentric or charming qualities from before. Even in the episodes, while they try to make her a bit more by standing up to other characters & being a bit snarky, she still ends up being a damsel in distress. Terk (now voiced by April Winchell who is definitely no Rosie O'Donnell despite her best efforts) & Tantor are just the 'quirky' animal sidekicks yet are nowhere near as funny as before & Professor Porter is just a stereotypical bumbling idiot scientist despite Jeff Bennett's surprisingly good performance. Oh yeah, and Kala barely appears other than a cameo in the end! The characters introduced in the segments are all equally as one dimensional, with Eleanor (voiced by Edie Britt herself, Nicolette Sheridan) being the stern upper class English woman who learns to let her hair down, Greenly (voiced by Grey DeLisle) being the more eccentric one & Hazel (voiced by Tara Strong) just being the fat one who has a crush on Tarzan. That's about it with them other than all of them acting like proper ladies until Jane convinces them to stop when they have to escape from the panthers. Anyway, Johannes & Merkus in the second segment are entirely forgettable one dimensional villains with their only motivation being money. And Robert (voiced by Jeff Bennett for some reason putting on his Bradley Uppercrust III from An Extremely Goofy Movie voice) is the cliched childhood friend that is yet again obviously evil & stuck up. Oh yeah, and Nigel (voicing by Sandy Rivers himself, Alexis Denisof) is just a pilot that's a foil to Robert by being a good guy searching for him! Another massive problem I have is some characters from the TV show are introduced without any sort of context over who they are or what role they play for those who haven't seen the show, especially Renard Dumont as he only appears in the second segment to give Johannes & Merkus information over Tarzan & the cameos from Hugo & Hooft (who played a pretty big part in the show). As you can tell, the old characters are one dimensional while the new ones are no better & it's just painful.

Tarzan and Jane is yet another addition to bad Disney sequels & is probably the worst adaptation based on the Edgar Rice Burrough's novel next to the 2013 Tarzan 3D! With 3 episodes with no connection to the themes, really subpar animation & one dimensional characters old and new, I definitely wouldn't recommend this to fans of Disney's adaptation of Tarzan. Heck, even Tarzan 2 had more credibility despite having absolutely nothing to do with the first movie because of the admittedly decent animation & George Carlin's performance!
Story: 1/10
Animation: 2/10
Characters: 1/10
Overall: 1/10

Anomalisa

Directed by Charlie Kaufman (the man behind such films as Being John Malkovitch & Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and stop motion specialist Duke Johnson, this film originally started off as a sound play back in 2005 with the actors onstage reciting their character's lines with Carter Burwell's score (that's also used in this movie) in the background. Originally intended as a 40 minute stop motion short, thanks to a Kickstarter campaign which got much more money than previously intended, the movie was turned into feature length with all 3 actors reprising their roles.. After garnering critical acclaim at various film festivals, this ended up being the very first R rated animated film to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Animated Feature, but obviously lost to Pixar's Inside Out this year. So, can Charlie Kaufman show stop motion is more than a medium that's an anomaly in the field of film, or is it just an anonmalation in a bad way? Let's take a look!

Story: Focusing on customer service expert Michael Stone in Cincinnati during his book tour during his midlife crisis. Inside, his life feels meaningless with a sea of people who look & sound exactly the same in his head until he meets Lisa, a fan of his & they develop a strong connection like he has never imagined. Or so he thinks. Reminiscent of other films like Lost in Translation, the best way I can describe the plot is real (believe me when I say that this word will be used A LOT in this review). Real characters, real setting, real emotions, everything feels so real & it's so well done. The emotions behind Michael's existential crisis are executed perfectly with how his psychosis has deeply affected his relationships with other people, including his own wife and son. Although the main romance between him & Lisa can just be considered a one night stand in the grand scale of things, I must say that the chemistry is so believable and touching that you almost forget the unfortunate implications of it all. Oh, and speaking of, I know it may sound very strange, but this easily contains one of the best sex scenes ever put in film. I'm dead serious when I say that the realism makes it surprisingly tender from the direction & I must give major kudos. And given that most of the film focuses on psychology, I must say that it can get pretty dark & tense as it dives into the themes and the way everything is 'resolved' is handled much more  I guess the only issue I have in terms of plot is one particular scene when Michael enters a 'toy shop'. It doesn't really have a purpose in the narrative other than a supposed 'funny' pay-off by the end, and I will also say that the pacing can be a tad off from time to time. It's not terrible & it definitely didn't ruin the movie for me, so those can easily just be considered nitpicks. With such an innovative concept handled in such an intimate manner, I think it's safe to say that this movie is nothing like I've seen before & the writing is just a part of why this movie was such a surprising pleasure to watch.

Animation: I never thought I'd see the day, but this movie somehow manages to depict reality even more than the many live action films that plague cinemas today. This can be shown through the much more realistic character designs (which fits everyone perfectly through Michael's eyes) & character animation, both of which perfectly capture the character's personalities & the attention to detail on the textures like the skin, hair & facial expressions is frankly amazing. And speaking of character animation, yes I'll quickly talk about the sex scene because while it easily could have been unintentionally hilarious or over the top like the sex scene from Team America World Police, the rawness & realism behind it manages to benefit the execution. The backgrounds of Hotel Fregoli & streets of Cincinnati also manage to help capture the realness of the movie & given that most of the movie is set in the hotel, it still manages to be interesting because it feels like something we have all seen before & therefore, we can easily relate to it. Even the lighting helps establish the mood, emotions & atmosphere of certain scenes along with the camera techniques up to the point that I almost forgot that this was in stop motion. While it may seem unusual to have the faces keep the lines on instead of editing them out, I feel it only further enhances the themes of everyone not being who they seem AKA hiding their true selves behind masks. It may be a tad distracting since it's on literally every single character, but I get the intentions behind that creative choice (at least from my perspective). Although many could argue that it was unnecessary to make this in stop motion because of how much it's treated like a live action film, I honestly feel like this was the only medium this movie could be in and the way it's executed is simply breathtaking.

Characters: Given that the story & animation are both treated, the same definitely can be said about the characters! Michael Stone (David Thewlis) has it all: a well paid job, a loving wife and kid & is a celebrated motivational speaker. But despite his life seeming perfect, he feels hollow & meaningless on the inside & it makes him such an interesting character to know about. While he may come across as a bit of a jerkass (given that he cheats on his wife) & is rather...predatory in his relationship with Lisa, his true feelings do help him become empathetic. In fact, I actually rather like seeing movies where the main character isn't someone to root for because the motivations behind their behaviour make them feel much more human. The titular Lisa (Jennifer Jason Leigh) may seem like your typical manic pixie dream girl who comes in to change Michael's life for the better, but as the movie progresses on their 'relationship (or rather one-night stand), the movie shows how human she really is. She does have her own flaws, isn't as perfect as she seems while still being pretty adorkable & both her & Michael have to act like adults & realize the consequences behind their supposed star crossed lovers romance. Other characters like Bella, Michael's former flame he meets at the start, Emily, Lisa's flirtatious best friend who the latter believes is better than her & Michael's wife all also stand out on their own with their own personalities without resorting to stereotypes despite their lack of screen time. However, what makes them (and for that matter everybody else around Michael & Lisa) very interesting is given that it's in Michael's head, they are all EXACTLY the same. With the exact same voice actor & facial structure, this only further emphasizes how empty Michael feels & it's masterfully done (despite the occurrence when Michael pretty much says to the audience what his delusions are). I really must give credit to Tom Noonan as he really convincingly manages to pull off each character without making it too distracting & to be honest, it's frankly amazing he hasn't been nominated for any awards because of how much effort he had put in. With characters as human as these, I think it's safe to say that the characters in this are the cherry on the top for much an amazing film.

Anomalisa is a thought provoking film which looks into the human mind in such a unique way. With a simple yet relateable & heart-wrenching story, stunning stop motion animation which fits the world perfectly & very human characters, I'm so glad I finally had a chance to watch it after hearing such wonderful things about it. It's definitely a must watch for those in the mood for more of an indie style film or those who like other works by Charlie Kaufman. Oh yeah, and kids should definitely not watch this. Not just because of the swearing, sexual references & sex scene, but also the dark themes like depression, midlife crises & existentialism which are dived into in a very mature & serious manner. Seriously, I feel bad that this movie hasn't gotten the attention is deserves because if it weren't for Inside Out being out the same year, I easily would have chosen this as the Oscar winner!

Story: 9/10

Animation: 10/10

Characters: 9/10

Overall: 9/10

Disney Rip-Offs: The Secret of Anastasia

Before anybody says anything, I am fully aware that Anastasia is actually a Fox/ Don Bluth movie! The real reason why I wanted to include this as part of the collection is that it's still a rip-off of a fairly popular animated movie from the 90s like almost all these rip-offs. And this is in fact not the first knock-off based on the 1997 film/execution of the Romanov family/urban legend that Tsar Nicholas II's youngest daughter had survived. So can UAV Corporation's take on the infamous urban legend do the Romanov family & Anstasia justice, or is this as disgustingly insulting to history as the animated Titanic trilogy? Let's just get this over with.

Story: To say that this is insulting to the legacy of Anastasia & the Romanov family is a massive understatement. I know that Don Bluth's take on the controversial subject also took SEVERAL liberties with what happened to the titular character, but at the very least it acknowledged that it was more of a fairytale with the Romanov family as the backdrop. Even the upcoming Broadway adaptation has taken greater liberties to change the movie's story to show more respect to the family by giving it a much more serious & ambiguous tone given the recent revelations in history. But anyway, it just glances over the revolution & execution of the family via condescendingly annoying narration & instead goes for a cliched plot with Anastasia falling for an obvious villain prince while trying to prove that she's the Grand Duchess to her grandmother. It doesn't really help that there's a massive plot hole right in your face regarding Anastasia's amnesia despite still living in the palace after the revolution & there's no real tension or build-up with her true identity when she fully acknowledges it when discount Dimitri finds her! Oh yeah, and another one regarding the real villain's plan which wouldn't have worked at all unless there was a chance that Anastasia had survived! It's not really a direct rip off of Don Bluth's movie because there is no curse despite taking obvious elements from it, but what makes this even more insulting is the childish treatment of everything. And what makes all of this incredibly mind boggling is...this is more accurate than Bluth's version! Seriously, the revolution wasn't caused by a curse, the Bolsheviks are the (poorly executed) villains, they pronounce Anastasia's name correctly (Anna-stah-see-a) & the Dowager Empress resides in Denmark instead of Paris. But that can't change how...childish such a tragic event is handled with out of place comedy, no pacing, lack of atmosphere & generic Disney Princess style story!

Animation: Like many films before, the animation is for the most part decent yet inconsistent! The character designs feel more like Disney rather than Don Bluth up to the point that Anastasia looks more like a mix of Ariel and Cinderella & it doesn't really help how basic they look in terms of whether or not the characters are heroes or villains. And the way the characters show emotion is pretty creepy And while Don Bluth paid so much attention to detail into capturing the looks of Russia & Paris in the backgrounds, it doesn't even come close in this since most of the backgrounds consist of snowy forests & generic streets/palaces up to point that it doesn't even feel like they're in Russia, let alone traveled to Copenhagen! And of course, there are many animation glitches galore in this mess, including sizes of characters changing, off model designs, poor lip synching, recycled clips & choppy character animation. So despite it being a tad better than other takes, all of these animation errors & the overall look of the film is still pretty bad by direct to video standards!

Characters: Yeah, it's safe to say that despite some of the story being more historically accurate, the same cannot be said about the characters. Anastasia has none of the feistiness of Don Bluth's (or even her real life) counterpart & just comes across as a generic Disney Princess despite the movie's attempts to give her a personality & ends up feeling pretty stupid given that she couldn't see who the obvious villain was.Vladimir (yes, really) is just an upper class Dimitri rip-off as a general training Anastasia to prove that she's really the Grand Duchess while growing to love her except he's nowhere near as charming as the loveable rogue. The musical instruments that follow Anastasia around..well...I can't say much for spoilers because of their identity, but they pretty much rip off the household objects from Beauty & the Beast & are annoying;y inappropriate comic relief which is return is even more insulting once you realize who they really were the whole time. The villains, Prince Paul & Gufenoff (yes, really) are irritating both as a blatantly obvious foil for Vladimir & comedic sidekick akin to Gaston & LeFou, except nowhere near as threatening! And his big reveal as the villain was so anticlimactic & his plan as mentioned before is so convoluted that it's difficult to take him seriously! The Dowager Empress hardly hsa any character other than being cold & strict until she. They hardly go into how heartbreaking it was for her to lose her entire family that it's difficult to feel for her compared to Don Bluth's (and the stage version's) take on the character. And to add insult to injury, her voice actress is definitely no Angela Lansbury! So I think it's safe to say that none of these characters are worth caring about & are about as historically accurate as an iPhone appearing in the 1800s!

Songs: OK, I'll admit, some of the songs in this are half decent. In The Sun is a decent song despite clearly emulating Disney Princess I Want songs, the generic lyrics & being the Once Upon a December of this movie. A Princess After All is clearly a rip off of Learn To Do It with Vladimir teaching Anastasia how to be a princess, except it's nowhere near as fun or witty & just left me bored. Prince Charmless is just a generic villain's song about Paul revealing his evil plan with the Bolsheviks & who he really is.The final song, Be With Me in My Heart is just a very generic love song that Anastasia sings to the supposed dead Vladimir & is just boring to listen to. While they're not as terrible as other songs under UAV's belt, but they're still hopelessly generic & pointless

This movie just baffled me from beginning to end! Anastasia is a much more blatant Disney rip-off than Don Bluth's version with such a childish take on such a tragedy despite the few historical accuracies, lazy animation, generic characters & dull & pointless songs. Heck, even if you judge this movie just as a movie, it's still crap! Regardless of your opinion of Tsar Nicholas II & his family, I think we can agree that this really doesn't do the Romanovs any justice at all. If you try to see Don Bluth's take as more of a fairytale, I can asure you that you really will enjoy it much more thanks to the far more gorgeous animation, better characterization & highly memorable songs. Or better yet, why not take a look at the 1956 film that Don Bluth's movie was loosely based on or the upcoming Broadway stage adaptation if you're looking for a more serious take on the subject while using the urban legend! Well, that's one Anastasia movie done, another one to go...yay(!)
Story: 2/10
Animation: 3/10
Characters: 1/10
Songs: 3/10
Overall: 2/10